Category Archives: Trust

The Woman who Mothered me.

Written on August 12, 2012 by in My Story, People I Love., Postpartum Depression, Trust

Mati is my miracle.
Today is her birthday. 

This is my story (and I’m sticking to it): After my birth-mother lost her life to postpartum depression when I was 6, she went up to heaven and searched for the best step-mother ever. Mina found Mati. She sent Mati to us, and we all fell in love with her. I asked Mati to marry my dad before he did. They married shortly after I turned 7. I call her mom ever since.

Considering the situation, Mati is the best thing that could have happen to my family, and I am grateful beyond words for her in my life. I’m the luckiest girl because of her. I don’t even want to imagine what my life would look like without her. Let’s just say that I doubt that I would have grown to become someone who is able to help others if she hadn’t been my mother. She showed me trust, she showed me functional love.


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Imperfect at BlogHer

Written on August 1, 2012 by in Anxiety, Blogging, Community, People I Love., Postpartum Depression, Self-Kindness, Trust

I’m on the bus to NYC. I’m going to BlogHer. The mother of all blogging conferences.
It’s my first time going to something like this.
And I’m nervous.

And despite my best efforts, so much of what was supposed to happen before I go, didn’t. I wanted to get a haircut before I go. I wanted to make meals for my family to eat while I’m gone. I wanted to wax my legs. I wanted to read all of my friend’s latest blog posts before I meet them for the first time in real life. I needed to arrange for babysitters to pick up the kids from camp on the days I’m away so DH can stay at work past 3:30. Only the sitter happened, and not for all 4 days, so my friend Lesli will pick up the kids on Thursday (thank you sweetie!). I shaved my legs in the shower this morning, I put my hair up in a ponytail, and spent a big part of the morning looking for my keys. Which I was supposed to give to DH to give to the sitter. And now, as the bus pulls into Manhattan, I found in my handbag. Great.


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Victims, Victors, and Classes

Written on June 3, 2012 by in Comfort-Zone, Community, Fear, guilt, Permission-Based Healing., Postpartum Depression, Trust
victor

Before we delve into this juicy post, please note this schedule change:
The monthly Ithaca Mothers Support Group meetings are moving from the first Tuesday of the month to the first Thursday of the month. Our next meeting is this Thursday June 7th, at 12:30-1:30pm. More details here.

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Does motherhood make you feel like a victim?
Especially if you have PPD or anxiety, you signed up for the most joyful time of your life, and what you got is exhaustion sprinkled with excruciating emotional pain. Feeling like a victim is only natural.

And then there’s victim’s guilt:
I can’t believe I am struggling with motherhood. What kind of person can’t be a natural mother?
I must be weak or stupid or lazy.
Who am I kidding? I’m ALL of the above.


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His Pain + My Pain = No SpeakEasy call.

Written on April 8, 2012 by in pain, People I Love., Permission-Based Healing., Self-Kindness, Trust

I’m sorry to say that I will not be able to hold the PPD SpeakEasy support phone chat that was scheduled for this coming Tuesday. 

DH and I are both dealing with spinal ouches. His pain is much greater than mine. ‎3 days ago he herniated disc in his lower back. Recovery time is a total crapshoot: it can take a couple of weeks to several months before he is comfortable again. The tension of this situation is causing my neck pain to flare up, so as you can imagine, ours is not a cheerful home right now. I’m not sure which is harder to bear: my own considerable discomfort, or his pain. The former stretches my patience and ability to react kindly, but his pain just tears my heart. He is such a good man, he really does not deserve any pain ever. And I am determined to be as kind to him as possible during his time of need. He has been such a loving caregiver during the worst of my depression, that I am determined to rise up to the occasion, now that he needs me.


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It’s February, Got Self Love? (words of wisdom from Jaya the Trust Coach)

Written on February 8, 2012 by in Cultural Conversation, Guest Posts, People I Love., Postpartum Depression, Self-Care, Trust

My dear friend Jaya works with people on living life from a loving stance of unwavering trust. I worked with her a couple of years ago and she helped me with my relationship with my husband. What I learned from her helped me fight less: fewer fights with him, and more importantly, fewer fights with myself. Jaya writes a thought-provoking monthly newsletter that I always adore. Her latest rang so many bells with me, that I asked her permission to share it here. I’m so happy she agreed.

Also, in March, Jaya will be running a women’s retreat of Supreme Self-Honoring. How amazing is that?
“Who would you be if you treated yourself with the highest regard? Who would you be if you held and continually moved toward the highest vision of yourself? “
I can’t go this time, but I have no doubt it’s going to be deeply nourishing. I can’t wait to someday attend one of Jaya’s retreats. Take a look. http://www.jayathetrustcoach.com/supreme-s-h-retreat.html  Early-Bird fee till Feb 11. 


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Instead of resolutions: a Permission Slip to Slip.

Written on December 30, 2011 by in Anxiety, Comfort-Zone, Experimenting, Fear, Gratitude, guilt, Permission-Based Healing., Postpartum Depression, PPDemons, Progress, Rainy Day Letters, Self-Care, Self-Kindness, Setbacks, Trust

And the the giveaway winner is: Laura.
Hugs to all who didn’t win this time, more chances coming soon.

This post is dedicated to my beloved #ppdchat friends. I’ve been so consumed  with creating events and classes here in Ithaca, that I’ve been rather absent on twitter. I miss you all, I’ll be back soon.
And of course, to all the Ithaca mamas I was so fortunate to get to know in my UnGuilt Trip class, and the  Mama’s Comfort Camp classes and Support groups, I love you more than words can tell! And to all the local mamas who are thinking of coming to these classes, I can’t wait to meet you!
And to all the far away mamas who wish you could come to these classes — oh, how I wish I could beam you over. And until then, I hope you can join the next PPD SpeakEasy Call on Tuesday Jan.17 at 8:30pm EST.


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Forced Gratitude Tastes Like Guilt (and a permission slip ritual)

Written on November 24, 2011 by in creativity, Fear, Gratitude, pain, Permission-Based Healing., Postpartum Depression, PPDemons, Ritual, Trust

This post is dedicated to Amy B.
I am stroking your hair and sending adoption papers Godspeed your way.

Forced Gratitude Tastes Like Guilt

Now that’s a title for a Thanksgiving post, isn’t it?

As a mother recovering from anxiety and depression, there are plenty of moments where I  have zero access to the truckloads of gratitude that live in my heart.

I wrote about this recently, first on the October PPD To Joy Love Letter for moms (you can subscribe to get next month’s love letter for moms right here), and then I expanded on the concept on this post at Just. Be. Enough. So you would think that I’d be all tapped out on writing about gratitude, right? Um, not quite.

On this day in which our culture prescribes gratitude, I feel compelled to circle back to this idea:


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Overwhelmed Central

Written on October 10, 2011 by in Anxiety, Community, Discomfort Tolerance, Setbacks, Trust

Writing this post in bed, with the intention of making sure that you all know that tomorrow’s #PPDSpeakEasy call is cancelled, and explaining why:

Last week was hard on a lot of people in the #ppd community. In response, I called an emergency PPD Speakeasy phone chat that was like a comfort camp. It was sweet and nourishing, and it left me hopeful.

Then came some work on the house. It’s an old house. Something that was supposed to be fixed in one day turned into a week-long mess. It’s not quite over yet.

In the middle of the mess, came Yom Kipurim. The holiest day of the year if you happen to be Jewish. Which I am, but I’ve only started practicing recently, and I’m still figuring out my way around my relationship with God and all the Jewish traditions. So the weekend was spent fasting and praying, two things I have very little experience with. It was hard and amazing. And yes, slightly overwhelming.


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Special #PPDSpeakEasy comfort camp

Written on October 6, 2011 by in Anger, Comfort-Zone, Community, Fear, pain, People I Love., Permission-Based Healing., Postpartum Depression, PPDemons, Suicide Prevention, Trust

WTF world? Why so much pain? Too many people I love, most of them mothers, especially #ppdchat moms, are having a particularly hard time this week.

I don’t usually use the F word here, not even as a letter. But something is going on. Is Mercury in retrograde? Are there storms on the sun? This isn’t funny. Seriously, God, Universe, Lucky Stars, and anything else that matters out there, enough with the pain, can we have some comfort please?

The love and support which have been flying around the twitterland with the #ppdchat hashtag today go to the moon and back, but what I really want is for someone to beam us up to #ppdchat comfort camp, where we could hug each other, roast marshmallows together by the fire, give each other foot massages, and sing together. Some would sing on key, some off, all of us raising our voices together, practically howling at the moon, as we invoke community and the power of love to win over pain.


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My comfort zone at 40 and 1 year.

Written on September 23, 2011 by in Anxiety, Blogging, Comfort-Zone, Community, Fear, Listening to the Body, People I Love., Permission-Based Healing., Postpartum Depression, Suicide Prevention, Trust

My birth mom never made it to 30. My beloved second mom is in her sixties, and makes it look very good. My over-40 friends make it clear that it’s a really good club to be joining. I am done freaking out about turning 40, and just in time.

I’m going to be 40 in 2 hours. As of this morning, I’m finally ok with that.

When I was younger, I really wanted people to think I was beautiful, then I wanted them to think of me as smart, then I wanted to be funny, now I just want to bring people comfort.

Which is why I write here. I hope you too see ppdtojoy.com as a comfort zone.


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