when bonding is absent, the drudgery which is inherent in motherhood is not balanced by the moments of pure love-joy I refer to as diamonds in this post.
sometime the absence of bonding is caused by a pregnancy related mood disorder (again, so common, it should be considered as one side of the normal spectroom as opposed to being The lack of bonding with your baby is almost alwyas related to postpartum depression. If it’s not a result of depression, it becomes the cause for one.
If you are going through the hell of not feeling love for your baby, know this:
The only good news about the no-bonding hell, is that this is single most painful thing you will ever experience. Seriously. If you are ever tortured by terrorists (God forbid!), it will be nothing compared to the pain of not feeling the love for your baby. Once you get over that (and you will!!!) you are going to be stronger than you ever thought possible. My next post will be about this very subject.
a post for the daily hope about the no-bonding hell
the leep of faith: you do love that baby, just because you can’t feel that love, doens’t mean it isnt there.
Your love is pooling inside you, in a secret, magical resevoire. You don’t know about it because it has been cursed by the ppd demons.
They didn’t make your love go away, they can’t. Love is eternal and unsquashable.
All the ppd demons can do is hide it. They put a plug on inner spring of love so it can’t flow outward, and then put and invisibility spell on it.
But somewhere, inside you, there is a secret garden. with a fountain. where your love keeps flowing.
and you wouldn’t know it, but your kid, (no mater how old), has the key to the garden. and the kid sprouts, buds and blooms.
you see, childrren are imune to demon spells. it’s magic. the kind you don’t need to belive in for it to work.
your baby has access to your love even when you don’t. can drink form your fountain. has been all along.
just because you feel like a monster doesn’t make you a bad mother. It does makes you a mother in pain. and that pain will eventually go away.
someday, (and boy, do I wish I could give you the date) you will heal. your demons will lose their hold on you . the floodgate will open.
all the love that has been hidden from you will wash over you in waves. Your kid, who has been benefiting from it all along, will glow in your happiness. wallowing in pain will turn to frolicking in the waves of love.
And then love will ebb and flow. there will be set-backs. some days you will have trickles, other days gushes. but your capacity to love your child will no longer be doubted.
You got your baby you always wanted, right? you should be happy now. You should be consumed by the all encompassing love for this wrinkled non sleeping that needs to be fed and changed and rocked and changed and fed and rocked some more. ..
Instead of love, all you feel is fear and resentment. and the kind of self-loathing you never could imagine before, what kind of person doesn;t love her own chikd?You are not only abadmother, you are a psychopath. Toss in the totally normal thoughts of throwing this needy creature out the window or smothering it with a pillow and gaining your freedom from tirany, and you get a very potent mix of “proofs” of how aweful and dangerous you are. this is the thought pattern that can led to souicide.
and one last leap of faith, actually more a skip than a leap:
the demons wallow inside us, waiting for a time they
when your energy is low, when you are sleep deprived, when your kid is throwing up, or when the laundry pile is so high the only thing towering over it is the mountain of dishes in the sink, the deamons pull the inbisibility curse on you again.
they block your access to your love. they cover it with rage, fear and doubt. so here is a secret weapon for you. Scratch that, a vial of secret potion, a speciall sauce:
Love cannot be vanquished. It can be temporarily hidden, that’s all. It will come back faster when you don’t force, fight or grasp.
Trust. it’s a hard one. I hear you.
You don’t have to do anything. and that’s so hard. We think that if we can do something, we have the power
Until that day, when this inevitable thought take hold : “I’m the worst mother ever, my kid+partner deserve better” and brings a long it’s best friend: “My kids desrve a better mother so I should get out of the way” and before you know it you are suicidal, try this leap of faith:
fighting the deamons feeds them and makes them stronger. hating yourself for not bonding robs you of your power.
And while you don’t (yet) have power OVER your depression, you do have plenty of power IN it. You just need to learn how to access it.
You have the power of love. Yes, even when you don’t feel the love, you have its power.
You access the love by inviting it over. By giving it your trust even when you have no proof.
you go through the motions. you feed, you clean, you hug. you have days you can’t get out of bed. Days in which you are convinced you are the worst wife ever, becuase dad has to pick up your slack.
by opening up instead of taking your pain as a directive to shut down. Being vulnerable and open thourgh this worth a whole lot more than grace under fire.
Grace under fire is overrated. I’ll take vulnerability and opennes and the mess they bring forth over being graceful any day of the week.
defensive vs. open and vulnerable.
You will heal. .