What was I thinking, giving my 6 -year old a piggyback ride on our way back to the car from trick or treati’n in a neighborhood called, of all things, Fall Creek? While wearing Danskos?!? Did I mentioned I hate Halloween? The whole graveyard chic and the cheep costumes (cause that’s what the kid wanted, and besides, I ain’t got the where-with-all to make them) and all the really bad chocolate, come on, just give me a break. Well, thank goodness, no broken bones, all I got is a sprain. It hurt a lot right when I fell (quite spectacularly, actually. Thankfully the boy landed on his cleats) and I cried and shivered on the sidewalk while perfect strangers in skeleton outfits went down the block to get my dear friend with whom we just visited. Hubby was on his way to come get us, the friend took over the boys, and within an hour I was at the emergency room. 56 minutes later we were back in the car with a brand new pair of crutches. They say I should be able to bear weight again in about 4-5 days, and I can go to town with the ibuprofen. Gee, thanks, I’ll have the leftover Twix with that.
The up side: lots of time to type my thoughts at you. The down side: pretty much everything else.
And just so you know, I am almost done being mad at myself about the Danskos: In my post-children life, I pretty much gave up on shoes that require my hands to put on. So these super-comfortable clogs became my favorite shoes. I LOVE them, but they have a major downside: like SUV’s, their center of gravity is high, so they are prone to tipping over on uneven ground — and voila: twisted ankles. So it’s not like I’m not aware of their potential for disaster. The most annoying thing is that on my way out, just as I was slipping my feet into them, I saw my much-safer sneakers out of the corner of my eye, then dismissed them. We were in a hurry to meet a friend at the haunted house at the dentist office. So yeah, this sprain? Totally my fault…
Postpartum Depression Recovery Tool-Box special:
The thought: “my fault” can serve as your trigger to question the validity of the guilt. Here is a full version of the mental conversation that takes only a second to go through my head:
The Critic: You are so stupid, and irresponsible.
Me: I’m just human, I made a mistake, sue me.
Critic: If you weren’t so irresponsible, you could save yourself all this inconvenience and pain.
Me: I know, I know. How long am I supposed to wallow in guilt over this?
Critic: Um, I don’t know, forever?
Me: Forever is too long, besides, I’m sure I’ll have more mistakes to feel guilty about soon enough. How about you let me off the hook for this one?
Critic: I’m just watching out for you, I want to protect you from yourself.
Me: You mean you want to prevent me from making the same mistake twice?
Critic: You got it.
Me: So if I show you that I’ve learned from this mistake, will you lay off?
Critic: You got to show me first.
Me: How about if I take the brand new sparkly-purple Danskos (that I bought just two days before the sprain) back to the shoe store, is that enough for you?
Critic: Not so fast. What about your old Danskos? Will you toss them out?
Me: Not quite ready to do that, but I promise to only wear them inside, OK?
Critic: I’m not crazy about that, but I’ll take what I can get.
Me: Does that mean that you are going away now?
Critic: oh, alright.
Me: Good! Um, I mean, see you later.
Critic: You betcha…
–The End–
You can do the same thing. When the nasty voice of self blame starts pestering, bring it out in the open. Let it be heard, so it can stop whining, and you can talk back to it. It works for me. It might work for you. Give it a try, and please comment about how that went, OK? Who is behind this voice? Is it only out to get you, or is it watching out for you in some passive-aggressive sort of way? Can you satisfy it without giving up something important for you? Give it a try, and tell us all about it.
Much love,
Yael.
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