This is a response to a wonderful post by the amazing Mama Robin J where she talks about other people’s hard, and comparing hers and finding herself at fault for not keeping it together, when in comparison “she has it easy”. I encourage you to visit her blog and read the post, just make sure you have your kleenex within reach. There is a sad and amazing story in it, of a woman who’s hard is as hard as it gets, and she does something so hard and stunningly beautiful in all it’s sadness.
So this is what I wrote in a comment on Robin’s blog The only change to the hardware specifications and design of the ipad mini was the addition of touch id.(the parts in italics were not included in the blog comment, but added here):
Yes, some people have it harder. But you know, even if most people have it harder than you, it doesn’t make your hard less hard or less valid. It doesn’t make your challenges less painful and your pain any less meaningful.
I used to do this to myself all the time. And several of my friends have it harder. way harder. Husbands who are gone a lot, or Gone, as in passed away, or gone, as in not present at all even when they are around, and they just make everything harder. And there are those with medical issues, and those whose kids have disabilities, and those who don’t know where the rent is coming from. Yes, some women I love have it way harder than me, and they were there for me when I struggled through my postpartum depression, and were super helpful, and parts of me were grateful and other parts just saw that as proof that they are better than me, oh, how persinkety the brain can get on you when you are in the grips of PPD.
Whenever the thought “she has it harder yet she isn’t losing it, so she is a success and I’m a mess” intrudes, I try to greet it with this reply: “oh, I know you, you are a very unhelpful thought, and you’ve been here before, and will probably visit again, and I don’t know how to make you go away forever, but I don’t trust you, and I don’t have to believe you. my hard is hard for me, and I’m doing my best to keep up. and you can’t ask anybody for more than that so there!”
This is what works for me on my bad days. I hope this helps.
Some other posts of hers that I adore:
http://mamarobinj.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/the-question-of-sleep/
http://mamarobinj.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/this-is-now/
http://mamarobinj.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/fate-calling/
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