A Song for Pam

This post is dedicated to the lovely and amazing Pamela Gold of http://www.spermiestyle.com/ 
With all the love in the world. 

My dear friend, I can’t get you out of my head.

I worry for you. And for all who love you. And there are many, so many of us.

Becuase you shine.
Because you are unable to see your own brilliance, because depression has got you it its clutch.

When I found out that you are going into the hospital today, I was so relieved.
I was just coming out of my therapist’s office. Where I talked with my her about how watching you struggle brought me back to the days before I swallowed all those pills and woke up in the psych ward, almost exactly 6 years ago.

I was terrified that you would succumb to the lure of the pills. I was terrified that you might “succeed” where I “failed” and that you might not wake up in the hospital, or anywhere else. Even worst, I was terrified you would wake up with some permanent damage. Mama, I was scared.

I had no idea how I could help other than by praying and typing. So I prayed, and tweeted, and left comments, but felt rather impotent and small.

Then I watched with awe and love how The Band and the #PPDchat army is coming to your side. How each and every one of us builds upon the other, and together we are a whole that is so much greater than the sum of its parts. It was like watching a fantasy movie, where the forces of good triumph above the forces of evil with the sheer power of love.

And you took that in, and you were able to put one foot in front of the other and got yourself off the cliff.
And today you are walking into the hospital with your head held high, and the love and care of countless mothers from near and far holding you in the light.

Pam, we got your back. 

In the car driving home, even the radio was all about you. It played one of my favorite songs, and I realized that now and forever, whenever I listen to this song, I will be thinking of you.

Don’t Give Up
Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush 

Don’t you just love that long, long hug? That’s what friends are for.
I’m glad you are going to the hospital wrapped up in the care of the #PPDchat army of love.

don’t give up
’cause you have friends
don’t give up
you’re not the only one
don’t give up
no reason to be ashamed
don’t give up
you still have us
don’t give up now
we’re proud of who you are
don’t give up
you know it’s never been easy
don’t give up
’cause I believe there’s the a place
there’s a place where we belong


And as I was looking for it on YouTube for you, I discovered a cover by Lady GaGa. Who knew?
I was so thrilled that this old song is finding a new audience.

This is my second post for Pam. Here is the first one: http://www.ppdtojoy.com/blog/ppd-mantras/

P.S. A huge thank you to Lauren Hale, the leader of #ppdchat, for writing this post about how after we’ve all been there for Pam, each and every one of us is also in need of support. It made me cry the good kind of tears, and I really really needed that. Watching Pam’s struggle was triggering* in a way that I didn’t allow myself to fully acknowledge, and Laurens words helped me allow myself to feel the tenderness so I can continue to heal it. This process is far from over, and while I have been doing my best here to provide support to others, I am still in need of support for myself, and will continue to need support, well, forever. And that’s a good thing. I am grateful for this give and take. The dance of generosity in this community is breathtaking.


P.S. 2
The morning After:
yaelsaarAug 20, 10:13am via Twitter for iPhone

good morning awesome #ppdchat mamas! I had you all in a dream. We were sewing a cape together, like the little mice in cinderella…

And then:

ShorelineMommy Aug 20, 10:15am via Echofon@yaelsaar: What a fabulous dream! I think there is some real meaning there. :)
frelle Aug 20, 10:14am via TweetDeck@yaelsaar what a great dream picture:)
MamaLikeMyMama Aug 20, 11:52am via Twitter for iPhone@yaelsaar Beautiful! A cape that shrouds love and support to the wearer
yaelsaar Aug 20, 2:17pm via Twitter for iPhoneYes, and there is more than one cape. A lot more.


So yes: Magic.

Beloved Pam, please don’t feel bad or guilty about triggering anybody. It’s ok. Really. I know you would do the same for me or any other #ppdchat mom. And besides, when we get triggered while having access to the support of this community, we get to process what needs processing much better than we did before.


P.S. 4:
As always, support is just a tweet away. #ppdchat

8 Responses to A Song for Pam
  1. […] community, and the #ppdarmy from @FarewellStrangr Teleporters And Virtual Hugs from @yaelsaar A Song For Pam from @lotsOspermies Finding The Cheese from @unxpctdblessing Dear PPDchat Army : An Open Love […]

  2. Pamela Gold
    August 25, 2011 | 11:18 am

    I am just now reading this and want to thank you so much for all the love and encouraging words for the past week. I have so much to say. So much I am thankful for. It will all come in due time. For now, I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of being placed back into the real world, not the world of the hospital walls. Thank you infinity! xoxox
    Pamela Gold recently posted..Checking In #PPDChat #WithTheBand

    • Yael
      August 29, 2011 | 2:16 pm

      Hey love,
      I’m so glad you are back with a renewed sense of gratitude and a will to live, will to love.
      Well, it’s the will to love that makes the will to live possible, isn’t it? i’m so glad you are back.

  3. Jana A
    August 20, 2011 | 10:25 am

    This is beautiful. I still stand here amazed at what happened this week. The love, compassion, support, firmness and HOPE that was shared is just amazing. Now, take time for you. Take care of you. xoxo
    Jana A recently posted..My Week In Graph Form

    • Yael
      August 21, 2011 | 11:48 am

      Hello Jana,
      Thank you for you comment and for your presence here and in the #ppdchat community. Together we are stronger. much love to you.

  4. Lauren Hale
    August 19, 2011 | 10:45 pm

    love you so much right now. ((hugs)) rest. take time for yourself. i certainly am and encourage everyone else to do the same if they need. Holding all of the #ppdchat mamas close!
    Lauren Hale recently posted..Only human

  5. Robin
    August 19, 2011 | 7:15 pm

    Love you so much. You have one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever known.

    • Yael
      August 29, 2011 | 2:30 pm

      look whose talking. right back at you. xox

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